we may as well all be who we are and assume the same from everyone else. if you bug me, i should tell you. if i don't, it's my problem with boundaries, not yours. if i bug you, same thing. i have to actually establish boundaries, which means knowing what i want and don't want, before i can be to bent about someone else's behavior, unless said behavior would generally be considered disrespectful.
bottom line. i have to know what i want and don't want. this isn't a static thing, though, so these barriers are a lot more flexible than i'd imagined. disappointing in a way. still seeking shelter to some degree.
saying no. pushing back. pushing away.
here's a sad one: i realized today that i never have to have sex with a man again... did i before (have to have sex)? i'm not sad about the idea of never sleeping with a man again--i'm sad that i never realized i didn't have to. ughhh. frankly, there are times when i just don't want to think about what it took to get me to where i was in my not-so-recent-but-not-so-long-ago yesterdays.
and here comes the pendulum. to say/write something like i just wrote is a huge departure from my way of (unconscious) thinking for the greatest part of my life. thinking beyond those confines kinda throws me for a loop--i'm a rabbit without a hole, and the arm of the pendulum is reaching out to grab me. but i'm getting better at anticipating its trajectory and speed. i'm starting to figure out how to avoid being caught up and swept away.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
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